Adoption Dream

Yesterday I made a huge sign for my bedroom wall.  I thought I made it with the thought of Kyle and I in mind.  I am so blessed to be married to him.  But I woke up with a different meaning in mind.

You know how when you have been working and planning and hoping for some HUGE thing for a VERY LONG TIME ...and it doesn't happen... yet... and it becomes this far away dream. 

 Almost like it is not real?

I have been feeling that way.

I want a big family.

So deeply.

I love with my whole being my two daughters.  We have been promised through a blessing with more Children.  So I know that dream of a large family will happen.  Its just hard to wait. :)

We are ready.  We have enough space in the car, and a crib, empty, just waiting happily to be filled.

Last night, I had the most amazing dream.  It was fabulous.  

We had 4 children.  My sweet Emma and My darling Halie.   We were at church and I was holding our son Kase.  I wasn't really listening to the lesson.  Just admiring the way my son was snug in my lap.  I enjoyed his toes and his eyes and his adorable suit.   The sister over the nursery came and told me that my daughter needed me.  It was so exciting.  I picked up our precious Kase and walked into where Annabelle waited for me.  She was struggling in nursery.  A new  place.  I took her by the hand.

We went out and sat in the green grass.  We played a game to help calm her.  The sun was so bright and my heart was so full.  I love these children.  Annabelle came and sat on my lap.  We sat happily in the sunshine.  It was perfect.

I woke up with the sweetest joy in my heart.  Peace. 

My Father has a plan for me, for Kyle, for my Children.

Then I looked up my lesson for my tiny sunbeams that I teach at church.  Do you know what it was titled?  Heavenly Father Has a Plan for Me.

Then I happened upon this talk.... The Lord really is talking this morning.  I am so grateful.

Farewell Summer, Hello Schedule

I am always so sad when school starts.  I just LOVE summer.  I love the long days playing in the water.  I love to have no agenda but time with my children.  I must admit, My girls are THRILLED with the beginning of school.  Miss E got the teacher I have been praying for all summer.  This teacher is FANTASTIC!!! of course what Miss E is really excited about is ...  Friends and friends.  I guess thats a good thing.  Especially Miss H is excited for (pre)school, she is IN LOVE with having "important" things to be doing.  I am just grateful that I have only two mornings with them both away from home.  Those mornings have been quiet and nice but I am not ready to have my girls away all day, is that lame?  I just miss them!  I tried the homeschool thing this summer, but that CERTAINLY didn't work, Miss E does NOT like to have me for her teacher, we get along MUCH better when she is learning school stuff from someone else.  Its good to be honest with yourself...

Anyhow, here is first day week of school pictures!

I love how Miss E (in the black) thinks she is darling.   It's a good thing to have such thoughts.  There are enough people in the world telling you otherwise.  

Notice her shoes, Grammie, Nanna, Dad, and I went to about 10 different places looking for those.  We were about to say, "No shoes for you!"  Finally we realized she wanted sparking ballet slippers and we were trying to get her PE tennis shoes.  She needed both since all she had were flip flops and some Saltwater Sandals.  Can't wear sandals to school!  So once we figured that out, our shopping was done in ONE store. 

 Communication.  Its a killer!

(Notice Grandma in the background)

Yesterday after Miss H came home from (pre)school, and I sat and held her while she slept.  

Actually that is a lie!  

I went in to sit and snuggle with her, while she was watching a movie, and who do I find? Yep, Kyle was holding my sleeping child.  What a Punk!  I wanted to do that.  So I just sat myself right next to him and snuggled on in.  Kyle and I sat there for about an hour, savoring that little moment.

I found this yesterday...

On a separate note... last night we had Back-to-School night AND an adoption function, the first of four this month... can I just say, that its so hard to go to those things.  I want another child so deeply.  I feel selfish.  But it's the truth.  I am so blessed with my two girls.  But OH! to have a large, rambunctious, loud, fun, tumbling family.  My heart yearns for that.  Yearns for another child (children) to love and cherish and raise.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

We got to go see a screening of "The Odd Life of Timothy Green"  -solely because of our desire to adopt and our affiliation with LDS Family Services.  The movie was a little late for the girlies, but it was something we thought worthwhile to mess with bedtime.  Boy! Was the movie BEAUTIFUL.  And the girls loved it.  I thought it might go over their heads, but they understood it all.  They came from the movie saying, "I can't WAIT for a brother or sister!"   It was a gorgeous  film about loving children and parenting.  I laughed and cried thoughout the entire film.  Now that might have something to do with my deep desire to have more children.  And because I am first and foremost in my life a mother.  I adore motherhood.  I adore my children.  The movie just evoked my strong mothering emotions.  After the movie we realized that Miss H had left one of her shoes in the theater.  Kyle ran back to find the missing item while the girls and I.... played in the fountain!  We realized quickly the sign that said, "please do not play in the fountain."  Whoops!  

Do you like their outfits?  They wanted to wear "fancy" clothes, and this is what they deemed as "fancy".  You are only a child once.  Might as well live it up!

Miss H is wearing her fake smile here, she was not too happy that she was sitting next to the statues head, but was trying to please her big sister.  It was a cute exchange.  I wish I could videotape their entire life, savor each moment forever.  

Another step...

Yesterday Kyle and I had our first "interview" with our case worker - we really didn't know what to expect.
-
And I guessed wrong. Really it was just saying what the next steps are - and guess what?!? It's more paperwork! So just stuff like birth certificates - yep we are alive
Marriage cerificates- yep we are married
Background check- no skeletons here!
Divorce certificates- yep still married!
And such stuff- easy peasy!

And guess what? I'm still very VERY excited!!




Brit

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

This is on a whim

I am a whimmsy kinda gal.  Sometimes I wish I could really plan things.  But usually when I don't plan, it goes better.  So here it goes...

I have been feeling guilty for wanting adoption.  I biologically can have a child- in fact I've done it twice.  (patting myself on the back right now)  But that process didn't go so hot.  As Kyle says, "If you lived when or where there were no doctors, then I'd have no girls in my life."

So I guess that kinda sums up the reasoning for not biologically birthing a child from Kyle's perspective.

But I still feel guilty.  I have been having these dreams that I find a child in a box on the street or more frequently now that I open the door to our home and there is a baby all wrapped up warm on our doorstep.  Obviously this is a dream and not how adoption happens now a days but even in my dream I ask, "Why did you choose me?"  Of all the doorsteps why this door.  What makes me so special to be chosen to be this precious child's mother.  There are women out there that don't have any children.  And here I am opening my hat saying, "Please sir, can I have sum mow?"

Tonight we had an adoption class, which I love.  This was the last one until october.  It was on infertility and the joy that adoption is.  I was feeling doubly guilty tonight cause there were a few couples there that had been waiting for a while and still don't have a little child to raise and love.  Do you know that feeling when you are missing someone that isn't here but you know they are supposed to be.

That is how I feel.  Little child of mine.  I miss you.  I want you to be with your sisters.  I want you to be with your daddy and me.  I haven't even met you in this life and I love you.

Last week our class was a panel of amazing birth moms.  And I have heard this said before but coming from the mouth of a birth mom, it became true to me.  "The child that I bore, wasn't mine.  It was his mothers.  I just helped him get to earth."

That night I felt the spirit so strong that this is right.  Its not only OK that we are adopting but EXACTLY what we are supposed to be doing.  I feel so grateful for the powerful testimony the Lord gave me that night.  We are supposed to adopt and the child that is coming to our home is coming home.  This child is watching from above right now.  He is watching Heavenly Father place everything where it needs to be so that we can learn and grow and become who he wants us to be.  He is directing the show.  It is not me or Kyle being selfish.  This is the Lord's plan.

It's the Lord's plan and not mine.  It doesn't matter how long we wait for children, how they come, or the reasons why.  What matters is that The Lord knows.  He knows.  He knows our hearts and He knows the eternal perspective.  He knows who belongs where.  It is not our place to ask.  The Lord love me and my daughters and my hubby and our children that are still not here with us.

I wish that I could just grow my baby in my tummy and prevent the heartache that would save for so many.  But I guess that is not meant to be.  Sometimes the "plan" we have doesn't go according to the plan.  But I guess that is ok.

I am so grateful and love already, especially after our class last week, for the birth mom that will be in our life.  I am so grateful for the paths the Lord has created and for the children that are still coming to my home.  I love you little ones.