Saturday, November 16, 2013

life is full of struggles

Here is my intro... if you don't have time to read it all, skip to the Nitty Gritty. :)

I think the last time I posted I wrote something to the affect that I was gong to be posting a ridiculously large quantities of posts, since we are homeschooling and on bed rest.  But obviously that is not the case.  At first it was because I would want to do projects and such with my girls so that I could post about them.  How awful it that?!?!  Then in that effort I was not doing a great job about keeping down and keeping my growing baby safe and sound INSIDE the womb.  So I decided, rather quickly, that blogging was a good idea at this time.

Its just not honest to only post about what cool things you are doing.

Especially when you only do them so that you can have something to post about!  Silly desires.

So I just decided to not.

However, lately, I have been having some experiences that I need to share.  I don't like sharing very personal things because it makes me vulnerable.  But I feel very, very strongly that sharing my struggles and triumphs needs to happen.  If its for my benefit or others I do not know.

I have been on bed rest now for about 4 months.  I have 3 more to go.  Plus all the rehibilatation this will take to recover! And my Lyme's Disease symptoms are slowing coming back.. How dare it!

During my bed rest with Emma and especially Halie, I pretty much ignored the hardship as much as possible and LIVED in books.  I ignored everyone and everything.  I fell into a dark depression and it was not the happiest time in my life.

I decided to be different this time.  First off, when your kids are getting older, its just not possible to ignore them.  They can tell the subtle difference of a mom just nodding along and a mom who is engaged.  I knew going into this pregnancy I could not do that to my daughters.

So I have been trying my darndest to be PRESENT!  Its hard.  Its hard because it is just so in my face of all the things I cant do.   All the things that have to just fall apart because mom is not able to get up and fix.


Its crushing to not have control over my life. Over my house.  Over what I can and cannot do to make our home fun and a wonderful place for my daughters and hubby to live.  I cant decorate for holidays or cook meals.  I can't go and do fun things with my children.  I cant control so much.  Sometimes it feels as though I can't control anything.  I feel like a bystander.  The only thing I have control over is how I respond.  Sometimes I respond well and other times I cry all day or withdraw within myself or at my lowest moments, get angry at my children or hubs.

At my lowest week (last week)  I cried pretty much everyday.  It just seemed like this has lasted long enough and I still have so long to go.  (yes I realize that this is just a small time, and my little son is worth it, but its hard to keep perspective at times.)

I was offered a blessing by a leader in  my church who didn't know what was happening in my life.  He really doesn't know me well at all.  But he asked me if he could give me a blessing, I could tell he felt nervous and presumptuous in asking but I am GRATEFUL.

The Lord spoke right to me.  HE KNOWS ME.  He knows the difficultly I feel and His direction to me was to STOP trying to depend on me and my strength.  Depend on HIM.  Come closer, He wants me to lean on Him, He wants me to come to Him.  I can't do this on my own, I have to rely on my Father in Heaven.  I was reminded that my sacrifice will bring untold blessings to my children.  I was told so many things, many that are just to personal.  But through His Preisthood, Heavenly Father, spoke to me and I know He love me.  I know he is watching over me.  He loves each and everyone of His children. My experiences will bless others in their times of trials.  We are not alone and we will all experience dark times in our life.

During the blessing I felt the Holy Ghost but I still felt alone.  Later that day when I was alone, I knelt down and prayed and prayed.  I opened my heart to the Lord.  He filled my soul.  I felt His warmth and love and knew He wants me to return to him, He wants me to be close to Him.  He loves me even when my heart is in the wrong place.  He is yearning for me to come back.  He is yearning for each and everyone of His children to come back.  I KNOW He heard my prayers and I know he hears my soul even when I don't think He is paying attention.  He was just waiting for me to sincerely reach out to Him.

To feel as though I am letting my husband and children down, everyday, not being able to be what I want to be for them is crushing.  But my soul was lifted, this experience is blessing my children.  If I can learn to lean on my Father in Heaven, then this burden will feel light.   The weight and negativity and fears that were ever so present in my soul have lightened and I am grateful.

It feels strange to be posting this but I couldn't get it out of my mind that I need to.

I am learning so much and have so much more to write but this seems like enough for one post. Please forgive me for the personal nature that these will be.

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