I am a whimmsy kinda gal. Sometimes I wish I could really plan things. But usually when I don't plan, it goes better. So here it goes...
I have been feeling guilty for wanting adoption. I biologically can have a child- in fact I've done it twice. (patting myself on the back right now) But that process didn't go so hot. As Kyle says, "If you lived when or where there were no doctors, then I'd have no girls in my life."
So I guess that kinda sums up the reasoning for not biologically birthing a child from Kyle's perspective.
But I still feel guilty. I have been having these dreams that I find a child in a box on the street or more frequently now that I open the door to our home and there is a baby all wrapped up warm on our doorstep. Obviously this is a dream and not how adoption happens now a days but even in my dream I ask, "Why did you choose me?" Of all the doorsteps why this door. What makes me so special to be chosen to be this precious child's mother. There are women out there that don't have any children. And here I am opening my hat saying, "Please sir, can I have sum mow?"
Tonight we had an adoption class, which I love. This was the last one until october. It was on infertility and the joy that adoption is. I was feeling doubly guilty tonight cause there were a few couples there that had been waiting for a while and still don't have a little child to raise and love. Do you know that feeling when you are missing someone that isn't here but you know they are supposed to be.
That is how I feel. Little child of mine. I miss you. I want you to be with your sisters. I want you to be with your daddy and me. I haven't even met you in this life and I love you.
Last week our class was a panel of amazing birth moms. And I have heard this said before but coming from the mouth of a birth mom, it became true to me. "The child that I bore, wasn't mine. It was his mothers. I just helped him get to earth."
That night I felt the spirit so strong that this is right. Its not only OK that we are adopting but EXACTLY what we are supposed to be doing. I feel so grateful for the powerful testimony the Lord gave me that night. We are supposed to adopt and the child that is coming to our home is coming home. This child is watching from above right now. He is watching Heavenly Father place everything where it needs to be so that we can learn and grow and become who he wants us to be. He is directing the show. It is not me or Kyle being selfish. This is the Lord's plan.
It's the Lord's plan and not mine. It doesn't matter how long we wait for children, how they come, or the reasons why. What matters is that The Lord knows. He knows. He knows our hearts and He knows the eternal perspective. He knows who belongs where. It is not our place to ask. The Lord love me and my daughters and my hubby and our children that are still not here with us.
I wish that I could just grow my baby in my tummy and prevent the heartache that would save for so many. But I guess that is not meant to be. Sometimes the "plan" we have doesn't go according to the plan. But I guess that is ok.
I am so grateful and love already, especially after our class last week, for the birth mom that will be in our life. I am so grateful for the paths the Lord has created and for the children that are still coming to my home. I love you little ones.